Here I Go Again, On My Own

I've arrived in Newcastle! Actually, I've been in the UK since Tuesday morning but nothing really counted for me until yesterday when I actually started to get out and about and registered at school.
Newcastle is a pretty and busy city. I could love it here if I wasn't so isolated because I don't really know anyone yet. It's ok, I have stuff to keep me occupied here in the meantime. I should make contact with my advisor... this PhD business has already given me a few "what the hell am I doing here?" moments and I have hardly even begun.
The residence room I have is interesting. There aren't really any drawers to put clothes in... the drawers I do have seem more related to my desk and my night table. There is a large armoire but the space inside is limited and mostly for hanging up clothes rather than folding them down. The bathroom is also pretty laughable consisting of almost a cubed closet-esque space with the shower, toilet, and sink all crammed in. I heard an American girl describe it as a unit you would buy at Home Depot, and I have to say that is probably the best description of it.

I think my room would be perfect if the view outside my window wasn't the cement wall of St. James' Park which is the stadium for the Newcastle United football club. Something tells me that game days are going to be absolute write-offs for me.
Most students here are south Asian and somewhat perturbed by how "cold" it is. In fact it's been very temperate so far, exactly like the fall I was experiencing in Ontario, perhaps even a little warmer. Today it is actually 27 degrees outside and of course sunny. I am relieved that the climate of Newcastle is exactly like that of Vancouver so I know what to expect here in the winters.

I keep having moments where I can't believe I'm here... It seemed like a long year waiting to get to this point but even more surprising was that in the last six months I questioned if I really wanted this at some points. I think I mostly still do want this degree, the hard thing was leaving my job at an unusually good time, so it's probably best that I seize this opportunity and do the best I can and not think about other circumstances. I think it could work out very well for me here. I miss everyone at home terribly and this 5 hour time change is wreaking havoc with my sleeping and eating patterns but I am sure I will settle into a routine quickly. I'll start taking more photos before the weather turns perma-grey so I can at least show you how pretty Newcastle really is. I need to get out and do some more exploring... but for now... I have to go and meet some more residence folk. I'm trying to get back into my posting routine so check back often if you dare.

Not Ready to Roll

Ok, I know I just posted less than half an hour ago, but to give you an idea of how caught up in emotional turmoil I am, I just sobbed over folding up my field clothes as I pulled them out of the dryer because I knew I would have to put them away and not use them again for an unknown amount of time.
I can admit that I am also slightly jealous of the girl who has been hired to replace me on my crew because she gets to work with the guys. How fucked up is that? Completely irrational thoughts are racing through my mind and I can't seem to get it together.
Sure, I'm going through the motions of getting money orders for tuition payments and cancelling my cell phone and gym membership, and just closing up my life here in general, but it's all very half-hearted. I do NOT want to leave here at this point in time.
For fuck's sakes I was sobbing in the company van yesterday as we drove down the mountain into Collingwood for lunch. I just can't help it, I am terrible at accepting change. I never had a problem with this when I was younger. My parents could send me away all summer and I was happy to do it. It's only in the past few years, since I went to Vancouver, that I've really noticed how attached I am becoming to home. It's funny really, because most of my friends are quite scattered far away from here so at times it's very solitary in Toronto for me, but then, an opportunity like going to school in England comes up and my heart and head are fighting over this? It doesn't make sense. I mean, I'm the one who sent in the application to go to school there. I'm the person who has been obsessed with Newcastle since I started applying to MA programs in 2003.
Maybe I'm just sick of doing all this living of life alone. I'm only 25, so this should hardly be an issue, but clearly as independent as I can be, maybe I'm not really.

My step-mom just walked in the front door after visiting her sister in Calgary who is terminally ill and I burst into tears again. She was crying too, but I was just so relieved to see her, I couldn't help it.
Just in case you aren't getting the idea here, I'm having an "I don't want to do this" moment.

Ready to Roll

Well, my summer is officially over. My job ended on Friday and I've been sitting here avoiding packing all weekend. It looks like I'll have to suck it up and actually do some of it today, but I think it will be easier to handle now.
I've spent the last two weeks on the road with my crew which is an experience I had never had with them since I was always sent away from them to work on other projects when road trips happened, or I was sent away to work on other road trips without them.

It's hard for me to leave that job right now because I feel like we all really clicked this summer. I feel like we're all really great friends and I spent more time with them in the past six months than I did my family or other friends.
The other hard thing is the uncertainty of not knowing when I'll have a trowel in hand again. Of course my trowel is coming with me to England... but when it's actually going to be put into dirt is the unknown factor.

I have days when I wish that I could finish out the season which is probably only another 10 weeks, but then I think to myself that my body is hurting and I longed for the return to academics for so long, that there is really no good reason to delay the inevitable. I want what I want and I'm going to go and get it, damn it.
Still, I can't help getting teary-eyed when I think of the people I have to leave behind. This transitioning sucks.

Well, I've got a long day ahead of me here... trying to compress my life into two suitcases and a carry-on bag. It's not going to be pretty but if there's one thing I need less of, it's probably all the clutter that I think I need but don't.