Not Ready to Roll

Ok, I know I just posted less than half an hour ago, but to give you an idea of how caught up in emotional turmoil I am, I just sobbed over folding up my field clothes as I pulled them out of the dryer because I knew I would have to put them away and not use them again for an unknown amount of time.
I can admit that I am also slightly jealous of the girl who has been hired to replace me on my crew because she gets to work with the guys. How fucked up is that? Completely irrational thoughts are racing through my mind and I can't seem to get it together.
Sure, I'm going through the motions of getting money orders for tuition payments and cancelling my cell phone and gym membership, and just closing up my life here in general, but it's all very half-hearted. I do NOT want to leave here at this point in time.
For fuck's sakes I was sobbing in the company van yesterday as we drove down the mountain into Collingwood for lunch. I just can't help it, I am terrible at accepting change. I never had a problem with this when I was younger. My parents could send me away all summer and I was happy to do it. It's only in the past few years, since I went to Vancouver, that I've really noticed how attached I am becoming to home. It's funny really, because most of my friends are quite scattered far away from here so at times it's very solitary in Toronto for me, but then, an opportunity like going to school in England comes up and my heart and head are fighting over this? It doesn't make sense. I mean, I'm the one who sent in the application to go to school there. I'm the person who has been obsessed with Newcastle since I started applying to MA programs in 2003.
Maybe I'm just sick of doing all this living of life alone. I'm only 25, so this should hardly be an issue, but clearly as independent as I can be, maybe I'm not really.

My step-mom just walked in the front door after visiting her sister in Calgary who is terminally ill and I burst into tears again. She was crying too, but I was just so relieved to see her, I couldn't help it.
Just in case you aren't getting the idea here, I'm having an "I don't want to do this" moment.