Suspicion

Suspicion, haunting the streets of time
Suspicion, boy they really got us this time
Suspicion, shame on the things we did
Suspicion, get used to it kid
~Ryan Adams ~ "Suspicion"~

Grim reality. I have been tossing and turning at night for months because I know the "salary" at my job* doesn't really sustain a living, let alone any really serious loan repayment or school savings. If I didn't live with my parents I'd be out on the street somewhere, or working at some sort of part time job at a grocery store or Shopper's Drug Mart, which at this point kind of looks desirable for the reasonably high starting wages and the employee discounts.
Why would I choose to live this way? Because this job is a way to get to the means of what I love doing. I spent a lot of time being unhappy before I found something I loved, but I can't deny that in a way this situation is killing me, or at least my spirit.
There is no way I will be able to pay for school in September without again receiving massive loans from the bank or my parents or winning the lottery. I am so stressed out about this, I think I might be feeling 10 years older than I am, maybe even 20 years.
So I've got some student debt on me right now, who doesn't really? But the question is, can I sustain monthly interest payments while away at school presumably not really working in the traditional sense because I will be 'working' per se at schoolwork?
I just don't know that I can do this... but on the other hand I just don't know that I can't do this. Do I have the courage to get really tied in tight with the bank or my parents or to get this degree and then never get a tenure track position or a decently paid job in order to pay back the massive loads of money I've spent?
I'm scared and I don't know much about anything right now. I'm just freaked right out and stuck in this Catch-22. One thing is for sure, if I get that PhD I can't settle in at the job I am currently doing right now. It's too poorly paid and frankly doesn't leave much time for a second job because it's quite exhausting and consumes your life.
Speaking of which, do I even get to have a personal life outside of academia and loan repayment?
So here's a revelation I've been holding at bay: Holy fuck, I'm 25, wasting my life away with two useless degrees, about to embark on a third. Perhaps I should have gone to law school.

Oh and on a final note, I'd like to thank the officials at customs for being assholes last night. I had a great time in lockdown being berated. You definitely should have seized my car for the undervalued underwear I declared. Oh and one more thing, you are mathematically challenged since you didn't total my receipts correctly, therefore charging me too much fucking tax.

*I highlight said job because I am technically not classified as a full time employee even though I have dedicated the past year to the company and a summer before that.